Regrets
by bushlaboo
Summary: Sonny must make a choice between Carly and Alexis, but his decision surprises all.


**Regrets**

They stood before him – both beautiful, both smart, both loyal.  How he was lucky enough to have their love he did not know.  He did know however that he didn't deserve it.  After all he had done, all the people who were hurt because of him … hell they had been hurt because of him.  Sonny knew he didn't deserve Carly's undying love or Alexis' unwavering friendship.  He had abused them both.

After the whole FBI fiasco he had slept with Carly and than took a perverse pleasure in kicking her out of their bed and out of his life.  He had kept her at arm's length, when things were the most dangerous he kept her in the dark.  Then Carly being Carly did the only thing she could – she tried to protect her family.  In the end it cost her his trust.  For what was love without trust?

Then there was Alexis.  Loyal to a fault, and always ready to defend him.  Half the time he knew he didn't deserve it.  He also knew it was cost her.  There was always a flirtatious aspect to their relationship.  Her keen mind always kept him on his toes, and he liked the way she flustered around him.  They were friends he never expected it go any further then that, but it had.  Kristina's words haunted him … _That's how you treat someone who's in love with you?_

Did Alexis love him?  Sonny prayed she didn't, for as much as he enjoyed their time together they could only be friends.  His heart, it seemed, would always belong to his wife.  And, that he realized was the problem.  He would always see Carly as his wife.  He could never let her go, hell he didn't even know if that's what he wanted anymore.

Still the sting of her last betrayal stayed with him.  That sting caused doubt, and it was the doubt he had in Carly that kept them from reuniting.

"Alexis would you just leave?  I need to speak to Sonny privately," she said icily.  She had always sensed the undercurrent between Alexis and Sonny and it drove her nuts.  Even when Alexis was with Ned there had been a spark between the two.  It had hurt seeing it, and upset her when Sonny made light of her concern over it.

"We're trying to conduct business Carly," Alexis said exasperated.  More and more she was chiding herself for getting this involved.  Somehow she got sucked into Sonny's world and it had become of the focal point of hers.  To complicate matters more she had feelings for Sonny.  Feeling that could go nowhere as long as he looked at Carly as he did now; hiding her hurt she went into full detached lawyer mode.

Sonny sighed, "We'll handle it later Alexis.  I want to go over the contracts some more before I sign."

It was like a knife going through her heart.  Sonny choosing Carly always hurt.  "Fine," she replied tautly picking up her briefcase.

Sonny winced at her tone.  He knew he hurt her.  Carly's smile of triumph didn't make the situation any better.  It figured the two people he needed in his life most would hate each other.  "I'll stop by later, to hammer out the final changes.  If you want I'll make cappuccino," he offered as a way to smooth things over.  All he got in return was a non-committal sound from Alexis and a scowl from Carly.

"You're making your lawyer cappuccino now?" Carly asked pointedly once the door closed.

"Alexis also happens to be a friend," Sonny stated.  Though neither of them said it often, they were indeed friends.  He considered Alexis his best friend, after Jason.  Their lives had so many similarities, and he found that he could relate to her better than anyone.

"Whatever," she tossed out trying to dismiss Alexis from the conversation.  It only served to anger and annoy her; neither emotion was appropriate at the moment.

Shaking his head, Sonny prepared himself for the battle he was sure would come.  "You wanted to talk about Michael?"

"Yeah I did," Carly, said a smile touching her face.  The mere mention of Michael lifted her spirit.  Her little boy meant the world to her.  "His kindergarten graduation is coming up soon.  There's this whole ceremony, and with everything that's been going on I wanted to make sure that you'll be able to attend."

"I wouldn't miss it," Sonny assured her.

"Really?" Carly inquired.  Brow cocked she continued, "Considering you're recent flying jaunts I wasn't sure."

Sonny gritted his teeth.  "That was about Courtney," he reminded her.

Carly softened at the mention of his sister.  Knowing AJ, she was able to imagine what had happened.  It warmed her heart that Sonny chose to protect Michael, but it also hurt her that he'd taken Alexis on the trip.  "Let me put it this way.  Will you still be a free man?"

"Carly …"

"Look Sonny no one knows better than me how you feel about AJ.  Trust me I know that hatred too.  I just need to know if the father of my child is going to do something that will land him in jail and away from our son."

"How I handle AJ is my business," Sonny replied going cold.

"Oh that's right.  Leave Carly out of it.  She isn't trustworthy.  She isn't smart enough to know to keep her mouth shut," she spat out her anger growing.

"Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to protect you from that part of my business?  Did you?" Sonny yelled.  "It's ugly but necessary Carly and I never want it to touch you or Michael."

"A bit late for that Sonny.  It did touch us!  Someone delivered a bomb to our home.  Michael held it," she whispered harshly as the fear from that night filled her.  The thought of losing her son was the only thing that scared her more than the thought of losing Sonny.

"And I'll regret that till the day I die," Sonny told her.  His voice was normal again.  Reaching out to her and took her in his arms and tried to sooth the shaking that over took her.

"There are lots of things for you to regret Sonny," Carly said softly.  Her hushed voiced barely reached his ears.  "Treating me like a common whore the night you were released from jail.  Lying to me about how serious the danger was back then.  Disappearing on me, on everyone.  Being so cold, and cutting me out.  Those are things to regret.  Loving me and Michael, wanting us close – that's not a thing to regret."

"Why is it that you never get it?" Sonny asked pulling back some so that their dark eyes met.  "Being close to me puts you in danger.  Are you willing to risk your life and Michael's for that?  I'm not worth it."

"But the love we share is," Carly state.  Lifting her hand she cupped Sonny's cheek.  It was warm and stubbly.  She missed the feel of it against her palm.  "Love is worth everything.  I thought you learned that by now."

"What I learned," Sonny said wrapping his hands around Carly's upper arms, "is that I have to keep the people I care about safe."

"So what you keep us at arms length?" Carly asked her anger returning.  "Only letting us so close so that we're disposable."

"You're not disposable," Sonny said harshly.  "You're irreplaceable Carly.  That's why I pushed you away.  A world without you in it is a world I don't want to be in."

"A world where we deny our love so you can feel like you're protecting us isn't a world I want to be in," Carly stated.  "I hate it.  I hate living like this.  Sonny you can't leave me in this limbo.  It's either over between us or we're together, because I can't wait around forever.  It's too painful."

"I don't want you to wait," Sonny informed her.

Her dark eyes filled with tears.  "So I should just more on."

"No. Yes."

"Damn it Sonny it's either or," Carly snapped pulling back from him.

He felt the loss of her.  It caused the gaping ache in him to widen.  Every time they got that close it only made it worse when he pushed her away again.  "I don't know if I can trust you," he threw out the old complaint.

"And I'm tried of having to prove myself.  I love you Sonny, so much.  I admit that I messed up, and I'll probably do it again."

"It's the again that I worry about Carly," Sonny stated.  "I can't keep cleaning up your messes.  They cost too much."

Fuming she countered, "I never asked you clean them up."

"What else am I suppose to do?  I love you," Sonny was distracted that he let the words slip out.  He tried not to say them.  He knew it would only make her fight harder for their relationship.  "I protect those I love, even if I have to protect them from themselves."

The words hit her causing her heart to leap with joy.  He didn't say he used to love her; rather that he did love her.  Was it foolish to want him after everything?  "Sonny when two people love each other they should be together."

"Sometimes there is to much baggage," he sighed.

"I guess," Carly said deflating, "that is a choice that a person has to make.  For me, no baggage is too much.  No pain, no lie, no betrayal – love conquers all.  Baggage is merely history."

"History has a way of repeating itself," Sonny pointed out.

"So it does," Carly agreed.  "Just tell me this … are we over because of Alexis?"

Sonny shook his head as he read the jealousy in her eyes.  "Alexis is my lawyer, my friend.  That means a lot to me.  She's my Jason.  I know I don't have to be jealous of Jason because you two are friends, the best of, and been through thick and thin together.  This was never about me choosing Alexis over you.  I never would Carly.  You come first in my heart.  You always will.  This is about me, and my demons.  I can't defeat them … I've never been able too."

"Are you sure you're trying hard enough?" Carly inquired.

"I've never wanted anything more in life than you and Michael back in out home being a family.  It can't happen though.  I regret that most of all," Sonny answered.

"I have to stop holding out for someday," she informed him.  It was an ultimatum.  She would let him go.  When he said nothing, not even a flicker of emotion crossed his face she resigned herself to a life without him.  "Just know you'll always be loved."

"I know," Sonny said sadly.  He watched silently as he finally let her go.


End file.
